Impostor syndrome.

"When I started out, I did compare myself to others. Was I good enough? Was I pretty enough for that role? But it’s the impostor syndrome that is injected in any artist out there. What it does is it keeps you striving for excellence, and wanting to do better, and wanting to get it right even when you feel like you never hit it. Doubt keeps you in the process, and it keeps you honest."
— Viola Davis, quoted on vanityfair.com

Impostor Syndrome. You dirty b@$#%^&.

Before I take this concept and I plaster my thoughts all over it, here's the Merriam-Webster description of impostor syndrome so we're all good...

The term "impostor phenomenon" is used to designate an internal experience of intellectual phoniness that appears to be particularly prevalent and intense among a select sample of high achieving women…. Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the impostor phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise. Numerous achievements, which one might expect to provide ample objective evidence of superior intellectual functioning, do not appear to affect the impostor belief. And I think Viola Davis is amazing, just FYI.

Alright, now that we have the terminology all outta the way, I'll start with the fact that I have been wanting to write about this subject and my experiences with it for a long time. Like at least a year I've opened up Word and started typing only to wuss out and go to a safer subject, like "3 ways to________", or something along those lines (not that those aren't helpful or good, I'm just saying...). But this may help someone to read this, so here we go.

Before, sitting down to write, I'd have thoughts of "nobody cares what you have to say", and "it won't be any good anyway", or my old favorite "you don't actually know what you're talking about" would creep in and I'd conveniently go right back to safety. Then came the dilemma of "how the heck do I coherently write about something like this?" For me, it's always been hard to put something like this into words because of all the thoughts and feelings tied to it. So here's my attempt for what it's worth.

Fugazi Fugasi?

I find it interesting that this phenomenon seems to have its trends and patterns: artists, authors, athletes, executives. And while a lot has been written about women and impostor syndrome, I have encountered several guys who either contend with or have in the past. While impostor syndrome does have it's patterns, it also seems to have no boundaries. It tends to like to hang around those who have "made it" and upgraded their life situation or made significant gains from where they started,  And that's kind of a problem. And yes, on paper this makes zero rational sense. But hear me out here. This feeling of fake is actually real AF for the one dealing with it.

"I feel as if I'm living someone else's life". 

For me and at present, I tend to fall more or less "successful female" category (albeit rather unconventionally, which I am just fine with) on most days, and looking back on it now, it makes sense that this was something I've had to work through in my life. You see, there was nothing really remarkable about me, my abilities, or my upbringing. My family came from relatively modest means. I graduated from a smallish high school in a smallish town where exceptional existed, but was few and far between. In this smallish school I made mediocre grades, I played varsity sports, but didn't really stand out. I also was rather shy and had trouble fitting in.

 I started college and immediately crashed and burned freshman year (hello, scholastic probation!). This is kind of a fun story to tell, because then something happened to me at age 20, and I started to care. The sparks of what now is a full-fledged passion for the field of psychology and counseling began to fly and they were hot and heavy. I now know that this was simply a mixture of lack of maturity and unconscious self-sabotage where I "hid my light".

So this leads to part two of my story: So I ended up graduating Summa Cum Laude from Texas A&M, my second university and got advanced degrees partially funded by scholarship, and landed a pretty good job straight out of school. I also took up running seriously and ran against some really solid competition and put down some pretty solid times representing some pretty solid sponsors. I've even been called an 'expert' on some occasions. During this period believing in myself took the wheel and did some damage in all the right ways. In a span of two years I emerged basically a different person. Almost unrecognizable, successful.

Flash forward to recent times, I have the opportunity and privilege to work with some of the best athletes across the nation, speak, and write and sometimes people listen to what I have to say. I have a busy practice, train at a fairly high level, and have been featured in podcasts, magazines, and a book. Many days I feel as if I'm surrounded by exceptional people all the time. But with all these great things, I found myself questioning if I was deserving of any of it. Wait, what?!

This the impostor phenomenon at work: It sounds like this: Am I actually any good? Is it okay to be? What if I'm found out that I'm just some uber-regular girl who's actually quite mediocre and got lucky? What if I'm not actually an 'expert' at anything? Then you start to fear making mistakes because if that happens then the deal is off and you're found out and the ruse is up. You can probably imagine how frustrating and exhausting that can be; wanting to enjoy what you've laid down but not fully claiming it as your own.

But there's nothing to be "found out" about. 

In the past, I found that the more opportunities and success I had, the more I questioned and perhaps the more unease I felt. To use the comfort-in-your-own skin metaphor, up until recently I've felt like I've been sporting a baggy suit and trying not to trip on the pant legs. That and hoping that nobody notices how ill-fitting my suit is, because then they'll figure out I'm in disguise and I'm not nearly as good as advertised.

You can only be as great as the image you have of yourself. 

But it's not a disguise. And this phenomenon, as lame as it is, can be worked through. I think with how quickly I worked to turn my life around may have sparked some of this- because the image of myself and what I actually was- did not develop at the same pace. I saw "mediocre" when everything else in my life said otherwise. For a while I let this color my decisions and played it safe with things, because I was only "so good". The only thing holding me back was me. That I think can be scary for people, because we have to grow into our power and it can be scary sometimes knowing what we actually have inside.

The only thing fake is the s#^& we're feeding ourselves. 

So I made the decision to own it. All of it. The failures, the successes-especially the successes. When I am complimented, I take it, when I used to deflect. And make a mental note of it. You see, we must decide that is is okay to be more. It is okay to not hide your light because we're made to shine, God created us that way. We all have unique gifts and talents. And it's okay to come from nothing and make that nothing into something great. I think this period of my life where I feel like I was a fake in an accomplished person's clothing actually did some good. Like Viola Davis discussed, feeling like I had to be a step ahead had it's benefits-it gave me the drive to get the places I am today. Nowadays, the drive is still there and perhaps stronger than ever, but the doubts are quieter. I think in an odd way, dealing with this when I was younger, has made me stronger and maybe more effective with others around me.

We need to give ourselves permission, even on a daily basis, to be our best version of ourselves with no regard to where we come from, our previous experiences, or any other constraint, real or imagined we may have that we deserve what we set out to do, whatever that is. The voice that is questioning whether we're good enough or not, or that we deserve what we have is a liar and should be argued with.

Am I the best at everything I do? No. But that's not the point, nor do I really care about that. I care about growth. And in order for that to happen I have to accept everything, positive and negative and work with it. And that is enough. No comparisons needed.

We all are already great.